It's a Gift.. Whether You Accept it or Not

We (the Blue Team) are currently doing a Thirst Conference at The Moody Church in Chicago, IL. It's been really cool just to be in this atmosphere.. Example.. As I type, I'm sitting on my bed, that I moved next to my floor-to-ceiling window, looking out at downtown Chicago. The lights at night (the picture above doesn't do justice) make me feel like I'm in a totally different world! The past few mornings and evenings, a group of us team girls have walked to and from the church and the apartments that we are staying in.

Today, we had the Ladies' Luncheon. Andrea Griffith spoke to the women of the church and surrounding area. Through listening to her testimony, I learned so much about myself.

In the times that I fail, I become bitter at myself.

Yes, I realize what I've done was wrong. I am broken. I surrender it. I seek forgiveness from God, and also others when necessary. I'm forgiven. I remind myself of my fault(s). I dwell on it. I do not accept the forgiveness from God. I see just how sinful I am. I focus on myself, and how much I've messed up. I can't bring myself to forgive me. I become bitter at myself.

This is where pride begins! Once I start focusing on myself and not Christ, I'm putting me above Him. This isn't where He belongs. I'm not supposed to be worshiping myself. I'm to be worshiping the One who died on a cross 2,000 years ago to forgive me for the very sin that I'm bitter at myself for!

"Worship is about forgetting what's wrong with you and remembering what's right with God."

-Mark Batterson

Carson read this quote to me about a week ago from a book he was reading (In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day). I keep thinking about this and how it connects to what I'm learning. It's true. If I'm going to truly worship God, I CAN'T be focusing on someone else. I can't be dwelling on my faults. I can, however, look at how my faults prove my weakness and in turn prove His power.

Romans 8:1 .."There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

We don't have to live in this! We can accept His forgiveness, because it isn't tainted by circumstances or situations or "degree of wrongness". His love is perfect, therefore his forgiveness is true. When we stop denying God of what is already a characteristic of Him, and of what He's already given us, we can live with peace. I have been realizing this the past couple of days and finally clicked it all together in my mind.

Forgiveness is something given whether we accept it or not.. It's up to us to choose what we do with it.

When Desire Become Necessity

As many know, being recently engaged brings about many questions. In the past few weeks, the question involving where we will live and what we will be doing has been at the front of both Carson's and my mind. As we are pretty well set on moving to the Peoria, IL area sometime this summer, we have had some thoughts as to what we will be doing. There is a cosmetology school in Peoria that I have visited and would love to attend. After the year that I would be taking to complete the cosmetology program, we may then move to Chicago, IL for Carson to attend Moody Bible Institute.

There was recently a scholarship contest on facebook to win $5,000 towards this specific school that I have looked into. Here are some thoughts:

It is dangerous to be at a place where earthly desires & pleasures decieve you into thinking they are necessities, rather you letting yourself be decieved. This $5,000 scholarship has turned from desire to necessity in my life. When I first thought about entering into this contest, my thought was "we'll see what happens with it.." I am now finding my self frantically finding people to vote for me because if I don't, I won't have the scholarship!

[If I don't have the scholarship I might as well not go to cosmetology school becuase that's $5,000 more that I'll have to spend. That is not affecting only me-it's going to affect Carson as well. I can't make him sacrifice this money for me to go to school.] --These are the thoughts going through my head. It is consuming me & my time. I feel that it is necessary to work towards this. I am obsessed with checking the status of my votes & other entries' votes.

Jumping to conclusions about it doesn't make those thoughts & my actions any more true or right than if I wasn't behind in votes & I was just working that hard at my goal-to win. I have come to a point where I have surrendured this scholarship. I have given it back to the Lord-it was never mine to begin with. I was reminded by my finace that if God wants me to have the $5,000, then He will give it to me. He is in control. If He doesn't give it to me, then He will provide in another way.

While I would still love to recieve the win, I am not making any more efforts towards it. If other people want to help out-great! But, I had come to a point where it was an idol in my life & I now must separate myself from it as much as I can. I also felt the Lord prompting me to vote for the entry with the highest votes-which at frist I did not want to do. In Luke 6:35 it says to "Love your enemies" & although I don't even know this girl, she was an "enemy." I voted for her entry a couple days after I first felt the prompting.

God has taught me quite a bit through this. One area is surrender-again. Oh, the time and time again process this is! Another thing was loving those that are against me-& treating them with more love than I give myself.

The last thing that I have been realizing while writing is the passion I had for this scholarship. I was putting so much time, energy, thought, worry, & worth into winning something that I don't necessarily need. Why can't I have that passion for things of the Lord? I want to use my time to spend in the word & praying & making myself useful for the sake of the gospel. I want my energy to be spent in pursuit of Christ. I want my thoughts to be consumed with meditating on His word. I want to always find my worth in Him. I want the same passion I had for this earthly thing that will not last, for the One who will never change & will be with me forever. I want Him to be the core of my life. The center.